Humor Me: 10 Dating Profile Cliches to Avoid

Dating apps are a beautiful, beautiful thing. With a left swipe you can totally dismiss someone’s entire existence, eradicating them from your life sans moral repercussions or having to suffer through a trial date.

With that being said, you know your gender of choice is going to be swiping past tens of hundreds of people at an alarming rate, so you want your own profile to stand out. Or at the very least, avoid falling into creating the stereotypical profile females avoid like the plague.

The following are 10 common dating profile cliches that I (at the very least), immediately dismiss. Most of this should hopefully seem like common sense, but you have no idea how often I come across these fallacies. Modern Darwinism at its best!

10 Dating Profile Cliches to Avoid

1. The Fitness Junkie

The Issue: We get it, you work out and appreciate your body. Congratulations, you’re one more narcissist in a sea of creatine junkies substituting fitness for love. Being in shape is great and strongly encouraged, but if you have more than one or two body shots in your profile, you’re going to come across as self-obsessed.

The Fix: It’s best to say in passing, or better yet, infer that you’re a gym enthusiast, rather than hitting us over the head with it like the huge weights you’re assumedly compensating something else for…

2. Where’s Waldo?

The Issue: Unless you’re a recluse living in a cabin in the woods, you’re going to have friends with you at a sporting event, wedding, or party. Congratulations, you have achieved the unthinkable and accumulated a group of people that at the very least tolerate you! But who is you?

The Fix: One large group photo is fine, but any more where we’re searching for whoever the hell you are, and we’re going to give up entirely. We’ve already wasted precious moments of our life we’ll never get back on your profile – any more is just damn greedy.

3. Is That Your Kid?

The Issue: Depending on your age, tolerance for children and fear of your own mortality, kids may be on your radar. However, this could be a huge deal-breaker. If you’re holding little ones and not specifying whether they’re nieces or nephews – we’re going to assume the worst.

The Fix: Again, this is either a big YES or NO for every respective person, so don’t let my immaturity dissuade you. If you have kids, be upfront, because no one wants to waste their time — I think that goes for both of us.

4. The Question of Religion

The Issue: Whether you’re down with Jesus, Allah, Buddha, G-d, Kurt Cobain, Emperor Palpatine, a Golden Calf – if it’s important to you then please join a dating app for your respective religion. Unless you’re on a site for your respective beliefs, most people you encounter will not share your passion.

The Fix: If you feel that strongly about your religion, definitely mention it and toss in a photo of you on a Church mission or Bar-Mitzvah, but realize that some people might not take the hint and go for it just because you’re hot. For the sake of everyone’s time, try to be upfront about what you consider to be of the utmost importance.

5. FYI, You Graduated College

The Issue: College was a wonderful time for most of us. Unfortunately, after four or so years of feigning scholarly pursuits and seeing how much of a sorority you could work your way through without them figuring it out, college ends.

The Fix: A plethora of drinking photos or – please, no – old fraternity photos is a red flag boldly waving in the wind. Keep the beer-bonging and blacked-out saga photos on a password-protected server for your bros.

6. The Corporate Drone

The Issue: Most of us are working a 9-6 (or more) in a corporate environment and are vividly aware that our place of business is where we spend the majority of our time. If you’ve ever listened to the lyrics of “Bittersweet Symphony” by The Verve while quietly sobbing during Cruel Intentions, you get it.

The Fix: This doesn’t mean you can’t show photos of yourself wearing something other than a suit or your Best Buy uniform. Show your full range of work/life balance and if you’re a workaholic, fake some semblance of a life.

7. Showboating

The Issue: Money makes the world go ’round. It’s an indisputable and cruel fact of life, but that doesn’t mean you should flaunt it and throw your excess of it in someone’s face.

The Fix?: There is absolutely nothing wrong with being wealthy but by showing off your most shallow assets, you’re going to attract people who are mostly interested in that instead of your sparkling personality (or lack thereof). But if you’re going for the PYT contingent with a one-track mind, then my friends and I will see you on Saturday!

8. Your Pet is Your Child

The Issue: Pets are the best because they unconditionally love you, genital warts and all. But no matter how hot you are, can I really compete with a sleepy puppy? Having an animal shows that you’re mature and competent enough to keep another entity besides yourself alive, but showing off too much of that animal is a red flag.

The Fix: One or two pictures of you with your pet is fine. However, having Mr. Whiskers in all of them speaks to your avoidance of forming human bonds.

9. Is He Secretly Fat?

The Issue: I know I mentioned earlier that you shouldn’t show an excessive amount of body shots, but a lack of them makes for distrust. We start to wonder what you’re hiding. The same sentiment goes for height. If you’re sitting down in all your photos and not mentioning how tall you are in your bio, we assume the worst.

The Fix: Be honest. And no, you’re not allowed to photoshop your troubles away.

10. The Painful Bio

The Issue: Bios are supposed to speak to your personality in a succinct and creative fashion while successfully getting across sense of humor. Piece of cake, right? The good news is that most people don’t actually spend time reading your profile.

The Fix: Avoid these common, painful lines and you should be okay:

1) Work hard/play hard
2) Dog Daddy
3) My Mom says I’m a catch
4) The rash should clear up soon
5) Not my kid (but I’m virile!!!!)
6) Looking for a real down to Earth girls, no gold diggers haha
7) Emojis. Please, no emojis.

Chime in: Any other dating profile cliches to avoid?

Stylishly Yours,

Sarah Solomon

Follow Sarah on Twitter at her personal handle @sarahsolfails or her parody account, @urbanJAP.

Photography by Rob McIver Photo

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